Conflict

Table View, South Africa (day 24)

How can I describe to you my journey so far. I can not remember the word that best describes the emotions I have been feeling. How part of me feels like I just flew into Africa yesterday, But how I also feel like I have lived here my whole life. Maybe conflicted is a good word to use but I am not sure.

There is so much beauty amongst me here. The beautiful children I have the privilege of caring for, the inspiring young ladies I live with and the rugged land of Africa I am getting the opportunity to explore.

I have not blogged for a few days. This has been because I have actually been thinking and feeling a lot. I know that this is ironic as it is probably when I need to write the most.

I had a nightmare the other night, a really awful nightmare. I woke up screaming. It shook me and I felt broken and vulnerable. This was not a nice way for me to feel as I am used to being so strong when I am amongst peers. I tried to ignore the nightmare and anxiety.

The next night before bed I sat up scared. One of the girls sat outside with me and held me. This moment was very significant for me. I sat there thinking... 'no I can not allow myself to let my guard down...get up Symon...No I do not let people hug me...get up Symon'. But I did not get up instead I sat there and I let her hold me. Then I asked myself why do I not allow myself to be held. Do I think I don't deserve it. Do I really want to go through my whole life without allowing someone to hold me. Human touch is something that really scares me so generally I pull away. But here in Africa I find myself needing personal touch.

Being away from home, my friends and my family means that I sometimes doubt who I am. Am I intelligent, likable, funny, caring. What do I believe and who do I want to be.

Perhaps I need to doubt myself completely before I can become strong and proud.